That Leap of Faith

It’s probably because of my age and the fact that I’ve been in two long-term relationships that I am now very picky when it comes to settling down and starting a relationship with a guy. In my previous relationships, I barely knew my partner when we got together. Both were whirlwind romances of sorts, such that after a few dates (which led to you-know-where), we decided to take that leap and become committed to each other. While both relationships lasted for years, both ended because of the realization that, while we would still be compatible as friends, we just weren’t compatible as life-long partners. Which brings me to my point – I’d want my next partner to be my last one. I’d like to know him very well before entering into a serious relationship. And, I have come to terms with myself that if that does not happen in this lifetime, then so be it.

This is probably the reason why I now have very high standards in men. A good educational background is a must (which should translate in good communication skills). I’d also prefer someone who is financially stable and can keep up with my lifestyle (that’s but fair, right?). Of course, sexual compatibility is still a requirement, but it’s no longer the priority unlike before.

I’ve dated a number of guys for the past year or so that I became single. Nerdy engineer had passed all my requirements, but we were both so driven in our careers that we no longer had time for each other. Also, while I prefer an introvert like me, he was extremely introverted, which was, sort of a deal breaker for me. We remain good friends until this day. Marketing guy was a chubby but handsome Spanish-looking dude. Our dates were perfect – he had no qualms holding my hand discreetly in public, we were compatible in bed and we were of similar family backgrounds. Until he confessed he was already in a relationship. To be honest, I considered being the legal “mistress,” but eventually decided against it. I have not communicated with him ever since. And then there’s this adorable 19-year old guy. He’s still studying, but is extremely mature for his age. With his solid goals in life, I sometimes think that he is more mature in age than I am. But the thought of the more-than-a-decade age gap has always been at the back of my head, wondering if there is indeed a future for us. We still have good long talks, but not as frequent as before. I made that conscious effort since I am scared to completely fall for him.

I have never been the type to search for Mr. Right. For me, people come and go in our lives, and whoever is meant to stay, will stay. While I know that there are a lot of fish in the sea, and that I would eventually find the right one for me, at times I think that I prefer a big, fat, juicy medium-well steak all by my lonesome and I’d be completely satisfied with it.

The Single Life

My “relationship credentials” look very good on paper. Whenever someone asks me how many previous serious relationships I’ve had, I am quick with my reply. I’ve had two serious relationships: the first one was for almost seven years, and the next was for almost three years. All of the guys who ask (mostly from online) are equally quick with their common response – that I’m good with commitment and I’m definitely a keeper. I beg to differ.

I am not and will never be the sweet and thoughtful type of partner. I think there are just some people who are like that (me, for example). I am not the type who will send a message first. I also made it known right away with my exes that I am not the type to remember anniversaries, even more so monthsaries (and weeksaries!) However, I did make a concession that we can celebrate such occasions provided I am given prior notice. I remember what happened with my first ex whom I once brought to the hospital ER after having an accident at home. I was filling up his patient information form when suddenly, from a state of being fazed and light-headed, he became fully aware of his surroundings upon seeing that I had a different date written on his birth date! (I was just one day away, mind you, and that’s already an achievement.) Of course, I didn’t get away with it, and he was furious the entire drive home.

Also, I am quite ashamed to admit that despite having relationships, I was still sexually active “on the side.” I met up with guys online, and these were the times when I’ve had all kinds of encounters (and I mean all kinds). It felt safe being active at that time – I would immediately tell them that I had a partner and that the meet ups were just for sex. Some of course would deviate from the original agreement and become attached. I, on the other hand, could still be the heartless person that I was (or am).

I broke off my last relationship just at the start of the year. And for the first time in almost a decade, I am officially single. I don’t know what happened , but I had a change in perspective after that relationship. It has become harder for me to meet up with guys for the sole purpose of having sex. I guess it’s partly growing old, and partly getting tired of the whole process of flirting-meeting up-putting best foot forward-ending up in bed-repeat ten times over if pleasurable. I’ve been there, done that (countless numbers of times). I know it’s ironic now that I’m single and can actually and legally engage in the whole no-strings-attached sex. Perhaps it’s also because I no longer feel safe, and I’m scared that the next bedmate may be a potential partner. Or maybe it’s really just a phase every gay guy has to go through. Whatever it is, this whole “single life” I am currently encountering is entirely new to me, and while I am at a loss on how to deal with it, I am enjoying every learning step and I am looking forward to all possibilities that may behold. Whenever meeting up with guys who ask me what I am expecting, I always say that whatever happens, happens.