Lost

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Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of lost. I’ve been wandering aimlessly, going about with everyday activities with no clear and definite goal I want to achieve in my life. I have this path that I go through but I’m not sure if it is the right one. I don’t know if I should enter that fork on the road, and gamble with fate and fight against destiny. I wonder if I will ever know if this path is the right one? Does anyone ever know? Does anyone even care to know?

I envy those who have that clear ultimate goal that they want to achieve. They know which path to take, and therefore they are able to map out their lives according to the “grand plan” pretty much in line with destiny. I, on the other hand, am left alone with nowhere to go but forward, simply because there is no other option. Add to that life’s (not-so) little surprises: an ailment here, burned relationships there, grand revelations everywhere.

I thought that a change in perspective would be good for me. I thought that life’s obstacles can be turned into a positive situation where realizations are made and paradigm shifts are started. However, it only leaves you yearning for more knowledge, more information, more answers to the ultimate question of, “Why me?”

I am writing with no coherent thought. Pretty much like my life right now. Do we really need coherence? Do we really need to understand? Or do we just take all the punches thrown our way, and stand up and fight again? Whoever knows, I hope you can tell me.

Warning: This is a serious post about Life and Death

Have you ever had that strange peculiar feeling that you’re going to die soon, or at least, die early? No? Yeah, I think it’s just me. I don’t know why but that thought has always been stuck in my head. There’s a saying that, “Ang masamang damo, hindi madaling mamatay.” (“Bad weeds don’t die easily.”) and not to be boastful or vainglorious about it, but I think I’ve lived a pretty decent life always considerate of other people’s needs. In other words, I don’t exactly consider myself a weed, and thus, I feel that I am going to die soon (or early).

At this age, I’ve probably had more than three scares to my life already. Two of them were medically-related, and one was to the point of me already “seeing the light.” I’m currently fine and living a normal life, but those scares only helped me live my life to the fullest: trying hard to achieve my dreams and cross items off my bucket list.

It’s funny that I once met an acquaintance at a party who started engaging me in good conversation. I was delighted with our topics when he said that he approached me because I give off “good energy” towards people. While I don’t exactly believe in that (perhaps for lack of knowledge of “energies” and the like), he said that I may have the gift of healing people without my knowing it. He asked me straight up – “Were you sickly as a child?” “Do you get sick with no known medical reason?” “Do you still pursue whatever you want despite these hindrances?” My answer to all those questions was a resounding yes. I’ve been talking to this guy for less than 15 minutes and he already knew so much about me. And it gave me chills.

I told him I once wrote a previous blog that every time I see kids in the hospital who are terminally ill, I wished I could take all the pain from them. He said that I may have been using my “powers” unknowingly, and offered to help me control them. I may have been hasty with my decision but I graciously declined, and said that I would take whatever is given me. C’est la vie.

I’m not saying I am a saint or anything close to that, but I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. We just have to accept these circumstances as grace.

I’m not saying either that I am ready to die. There are still a lot of things I want to accomplish in this lifetime. What I’m saying is that it’s okay for me to die now and I wouldn’t have any regrets. I’ve lived my life to the fullest extent possible. I’ve shown love to all people who are close to my heart (and even to those who don’t), and I’ve always tried my best to be kind, considerate, and yes, good, and I guess that’s all that matters.