Dear Sixteen-Year-Old Self

Dear Sixteen-Year-Old Self,

By this time, you are fresh out of high school and about to enter uncharted territory. You may feel lost along the way, wondering if you went to the right university or if you picked the right course, but do not fret. Everything will turn out just fine. Besides, that feeling of being lost – it never goes away. It will haunt you until you’re twice your age and will continue to haunt you until you die. Just remember that despite feeling lost, trust your instincts and give everything your all. That’s when you will feel successful in your life.

This will be the first time you will experience freedom – living by yourself, away from parents and able to stay till late outside during weekdays. Do not abuse this freedom. It is extremely tempting, but do not forget your responsibilities as a student. That is the foremost reason you were given that freedom in the first place.

Don’t set your expectations too low. Aim for the stars, if possible. Do not be contented with mediocrity: of just passing each subject, or being able to pull off a presentation with an all-nighter as preparation. You’ll eventually realize that hard work does pay off, if not through lessons learned, through its literal meaning of being paid off in pecuniary form.

Always remember that it’s okay to be gay. Aside from that, it’s also okay to take your time until you’re ready to tell the people closest to you that you are attracted to the same sex. When you’re older and you’ve met the people who will stick by you no matter what, you will find it a lot easier to come out of the closet to them. There are even those who already just know, or have known from the beginning of your friendship, but have accepted you for who you are, and love you just the same.

You may (or will) lose your virginity at that age. And it will be the start of an exciting journey. Learn to exercise good discretion, and while you’re at it, exercise your thigh and leg muscles as well, as these will help you in achieving a good balance in your (secret) sex life. At times, you may feel on top (yes, ironic…) of the world with endless opportunities going your way, but try to limit them and choose only the best. This will only go on for a certain phase, and after that, you will find meaningless sex exactly as it truly is – meaningless.

You will find it necessary to always be on good side of every person you meet. Remember this: you don’t have to please everyone. You don’t have to be friends with every acquaintance or every classmate, because after college, chances are, you’ll never get to meet them again. You’ll eventually realize that in terms of friends, quality is better than quantity; and that even those whom you thought you were close with will eventually drift away from you, and you will be left with only those friends who will stay with you for your lifetime.

I have a lot of other things I want to tell you: Don’t drink and smoke too much. Take your accounting classes seriously. Dress well. Read more. Write often. Take your relationships seriously. Don’t take family for granted. Don’t cheat on tests. Attend varsity practice religiously. Eat more vegetables. Pray. And use sunscreen.

The list would go on forever. But I’ll end by telling you to make the most out of life. Don’t regret anything you’ve done because these form part of what makes you you, and there’s no other way of living life except by being who you truly are.

Love,

Your Thirty-Something Year Old Self

Birthdays

In law school, the method of teaching was graded recitation everyday, the “Socratic method” they called it. The professor would prescribe the required reading material for the day, and the student should be prepared to recite on those readings each day. There were only two instances when you could escape the perils of graded recitation, the first being, if there was an event that day like the last day before Christmas break, or Valentine’s Day or the professor’s birthday, and the class would prepare a party complete with food and program. And second is if it were your birthday that day. You (or your classmates) could proudly declare that it was your birthday and the professor would take it lightly on you during recitation, or even give you a free pass.

There was one particular (brutal) professor though who was the exception to the exception. When he called a classmate for recitation during her birthday, he started giving a bit of trivia on birthdays. I’m not sure if he was just pulling our legs or not, but he said that the ancient Romans, who were good astronomers, believed that that alignment of stars during one’s birthday was such that the birthday celebrant was particularly unlucky during that day. As the day of birth approaches each year, the stars align in an inconvenient manner for the celebrant and that lack of luck reaches its peak during the day itself where untoward incidents are more likely to happen. Having said that, he continued with the graded recitation of my classmate, and said that he was just reinforcing such belief of the Romans.

I seem to be inclined to believe in my professor regarding birthdays. I was never really one to be excited about my own birthday even when I was a kid. I’m not really sure why, but I regarded my birthday just like any other day of the year. It just so happens that every year, our family gathers for lunch or dinner on that particular day. I’m not especially sad as my birthday approaches, but I just don’t get the extraordinariness of it. Plus, I somehow tend to be “out of it” as my birthday approaches. I am not able to function properly with work or school; I tend to be disorganized and forgetful; and I sometimes just get a bit irritated easily.

Maybe this would be a good subject to research on, but for the moment, as my birthday approaches, allow me to be a bit more negative than usual. I will be back to regular programming when the day passes.

The Single Life

My “relationship credentials” look very good on paper. Whenever someone asks me how many previous serious relationships I’ve had, I am quick with my reply. I’ve had two serious relationships: the first one was for almost seven years, and the next was for almost three years. All of the guys who ask (mostly from online) are equally quick with their common response – that I’m good with commitment and I’m definitely a keeper. I beg to differ.

I am not and will never be the sweet and thoughtful type of partner. I think there are just some people who are like that (me, for example). I am not the type who will send a message first. I also made it known right away with my exes that I am not the type to remember anniversaries, even more so monthsaries (and weeksaries!) However, I did make a concession that we can celebrate such occasions provided I am given prior notice. I remember what happened with my first ex whom I once brought to the hospital ER after having an accident at home. I was filling up his patient information form when suddenly, from a state of being fazed and light-headed, he became fully aware of his surroundings upon seeing that I had a different date written on his birth date! (I was just one day away, mind you, and that’s already an achievement.) Of course, I didn’t get away with it, and he was furious the entire drive home.

Also, I am quite ashamed to admit that despite having relationships, I was still sexually active “on the side.” I met up with guys online, and these were the times when I’ve had all kinds of encounters (and I mean all kinds). It felt safe being active at that time – I would immediately tell them that I had a partner and that the meet ups were just for sex. Some of course would deviate from the original agreement and become attached. I, on the other hand, could still be the heartless person that I was (or am).

I broke off my last relationship just at the start of the year. And for the first time in almost a decade, I am officially single. I don’t know what happened , but I had a change in perspective after that relationship. It has become harder for me to meet up with guys for the sole purpose of having sex. I guess it’s partly growing old, and partly getting tired of the whole process of flirting-meeting up-putting best foot forward-ending up in bed-repeat ten times over if pleasurable. I’ve been there, done that (countless numbers of times). I know it’s ironic now that I’m single and can actually and legally engage in the whole no-strings-attached sex. Perhaps it’s also because I no longer feel safe, and I’m scared that the next bedmate may be a potential partner. Or maybe it’s really just a phase every gay guy has to go through. Whatever it is, this whole “single life” I am currently encountering is entirely new to me, and while I am at a loss on how to deal with it, I am enjoying every learning step and I am looking forward to all possibilities that may behold. Whenever meeting up with guys who ask me what I am expecting, I always say that whatever happens, happens.

Stars

The stars lined up that night

One by one

Showing their majestic splendor

Only for me to find out

That the stars have long been dead

Even before they reached my line of sight

And all is gone

Except for the memory of the radiance that once was.

Warning: This is a serious post about Life and Death

Have you ever had that strange peculiar feeling that you’re going to die soon, or at least, die early? No? Yeah, I think it’s just me. I don’t know why but that thought has always been stuck in my head. There’s a saying that, “Ang masamang damo, hindi madaling mamatay.” (“Bad weeds don’t die easily.”) and not to be boastful or vainglorious about it, but I think I’ve lived a pretty decent life always considerate of other people’s needs. In other words, I don’t exactly consider myself a weed, and thus, I feel that I am going to die soon (or early).

At this age, I’ve probably had more than three scares to my life already. Two of them were medically-related, and one was to the point of me already “seeing the light.” I’m currently fine and living a normal life, but those scares only helped me live my life to the fullest: trying hard to achieve my dreams and cross items off my bucket list.

It’s funny that I once met an acquaintance at a party who started engaging me in good conversation. I was delighted with our topics when he said that he approached me because I give off “good energy” towards people. While I don’t exactly believe in that (perhaps for lack of knowledge of “energies” and the like), he said that I may have the gift of healing people without my knowing it. He asked me straight up – “Were you sickly as a child?” “Do you get sick with no known medical reason?” “Do you still pursue whatever you want despite these hindrances?” My answer to all those questions was a resounding yes. I’ve been talking to this guy for less than 15 minutes and he already knew so much about me. And it gave me chills.

I told him I once wrote a previous blog that every time I see kids in the hospital who are terminally ill, I wished I could take all the pain from them. He said that I may have been using my “powers” unknowingly, and offered to help me control them. I may have been hasty with my decision but I graciously declined, and said that I would take whatever is given me. C’est la vie.

I’m not saying I am a saint or anything close to that, but I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. We just have to accept these circumstances as grace.

I’m not saying either that I am ready to die. There are still a lot of things I want to accomplish in this lifetime. What I’m saying is that it’s okay for me to die now and I wouldn’t have any regrets. I’ve lived my life to the fullest extent possible. I’ve shown love to all people who are close to my heart (and even to those who don’t), and I’ve always tried my best to be kind, considerate, and yes, good, and I guess that’s all that matters.