Since I Know You Don’t Read My Blog Anyways

I’ve been trying a number of different approaches to writing this blog post in order for it to be not too cheesy and not too serious, but I just couldn’t seem to find the perfect words. So, today, I have resolved to say it the best way I can, and in the manner I am accustomed to – through simple, straightforward words.

www.becomegorgeous.com

Since I know you don’t read my blog anyways, let me begin by saying that I am grateful that the universe conspired for us to meet each other. We met at a time when we were both not searching for that special someone. Instead, both of us wanted to focus on other aspects of our lives. I know it was all by chance, but I know you feel it too that the connection (or maybe even the spark?) was immediately there.

I love it how we’re both taking things very slowly. After all, it has only been two months since we’ve known each other. Also, we both just got out of relationships. I’m glad that we’re on the same page that this time around, perhaps it’s best to get to know each other really well before entering into anything serious.

I love it that I can easily tell you anything and everything, and you will not judge me for my past or for my beliefs. (You will judge me, though, on my poor grammar; but that’s alright, because I will do the same to you.) I’m glad that you are, first and foremost, my “best friend” (with benefits?) before anything else.  I love it that we can talk about our future together and still keep a level head about these things.

Lastly, I don’t want to say it too often because the words might lose their meaning, but I love you, I really do.

(And if you ever get to read this blog post, I will plead insanity or inebriation at the time of writing.)

Same Love

Thank you, Macklemore, Ryan Lewis and Mary Lambert for this song which goes right through the heart of every gay person who just wishes to be given equal treatment in society.

While the lyrics speak for itself there are two things which I love about the song: first, is the medium in which it was expressed; and second, is the tenor in which the song was written.

I love that it was done in rap/hip hop, simply because the said genre is supposedly one that is purely masculine. And yet, this song deals with a topic which does not exude the typical masculinity which society imposes, but instead encourages equality among all despite one’s sexual orientation and preference.

I also love the tenor or the manner in which it was written – not too emotional, not too mushy; just plain straightforward language which everyone would easily understand. The lyrics likewise deviates from all the drama linked with the stereotypical gay rights movement which is the wrong perception of society.

“And a certificate on paper / Isn’t gonna solve it all / But it’s a damn good place to start.

No laws gonna change us / We have to change us

Whatever God you believe in / We come from the same one

Strip away the fear / Underneath, it’s all the same love”

My Gay Guilty Pleasure

Is not beauty pageants or My Husband’s Lover or the cheer dance competition. If there is one ultimate give-away that I have, it is that I have been an avid fan of America’s Next Top Model (ANTM) for the longest time. I’ve been hooked since its third cycle, and have been following it ever since. It’s kinda weird, since I am neither into fashion (I am the least vain gay guy you’ll ever meet) nor modeling (I honestly don’t know how to tell a “good photo” from a bad one), but I like its reality-TV format and the different personalities of the contestants and the experiences they get from the show. I am more into ANTM this current cycle (20^th) since there are male contestants now, and boy, are they yummy.

www.hufftingtonpost.com

Here’s my favorite guy whom I’ve loved from day one.

Chris H. is not your typical boy-next-door good looking kind of guy, but he exudes so much manliness. And I feel those eyes staring back at me in his every picture, and my heart just melts. He is currently taking so much flak for being anti-social and having a repulsive attitude but I don’t really care.

www.wetpaint.com

While we’re at the subject, here are my Top 5 contestants of all time:

big-i-love-antm.blogspot.com

Ann Markkey (Cycle 3) –  She’s the reason why I got hooked on ANTM. I still consider her as having one of the prettiest faces among all contestants of ANTM.

antmphotoshoots.tumblr.com

Ann Ward (Cycle 15) – This tall, awkward contestant seemed least likely to bag the top prize during her season, but she transforms into a classic beauty each time she was photographed.

antmphotoshoots.tumblr.com

 Marjorie Conrad (Cycle 11) – I remember she lacked self-esteem, but every time she faced the camera, she was always giving it her all. I would never forget this picture of hers where she actually flushed the toilet with her foot during the photo shoot.

antm.wikia.com

McKey Sullivan (Cycle 11) – McKey had one of the best transformations in ANTM. She was given a pixie cut which showed off her pretty face that eventually made her win during her season. For me, she stands for elegance and beauty.

antmphotoshoots.tumblr.com

Allison Harvard (Cycles 12 & 17) – Allison is my ultimate favorite among all contestants. She’s not the classic beauty but her gaze and quirkiness would make you give her photos a second look. I believe she should have won when she came back for ANTM All-Stars Cycle.

Lost

www.prioritymoving.com

Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of lost. I’ve been wandering aimlessly, going about with everyday activities with no clear and definite goal I want to achieve in my life. I have this path that I go through but I’m not sure if it is the right one. I don’t know if I should enter that fork on the road, and gamble with fate and fight against destiny. I wonder if I will ever know if this path is the right one? Does anyone ever know? Does anyone even care to know?

I envy those who have that clear ultimate goal that they want to achieve. They know which path to take, and therefore they are able to map out their lives according to the “grand plan” pretty much in line with destiny. I, on the other hand, am left alone with nowhere to go but forward, simply because there is no other option. Add to that life’s (not-so) little surprises: an ailment here, burned relationships there, grand revelations everywhere.

I thought that a change in perspective would be good for me. I thought that life’s obstacles can be turned into a positive situation where realizations are made and paradigm shifts are started. However, it only leaves you yearning for more knowledge, more information, more answers to the ultimate question of, “Why me?”

I am writing with no coherent thought. Pretty much like my life right now. Do we really need coherence? Do we really need to understand? Or do we just take all the punches thrown our way, and stand up and fight again? Whoever knows, I hope you can tell me.

Breathe

Ironically, the most innate and natural thing that humans learn to do at the moment of birth, is the one thing that they forget to do when they reach adulthood.

http://www.fitness-weetjes.nl/basisregels-fitness/ademhaling-bij-fitness/

Breathe.

We get so caught up in worldly things that we forget to take time out to breathe. Remember, work will still continue even if you are not around. No matter how valuable you are to your company, no one is ever indispensable in work, even the big bosses.

Breathe.

Don’t take good health for granted. When you grow old, you may have all the resources in the world, but if you are weak and sickly, you will not have the luxury of enjoying all these. Don’t ever forget that check-up you promised yourself “when you have the time.”

Breathe.

Take time to smell the flowers. Enjoy the scenery. Travel. And spend time with your family. In the end, they are the most precious treasures one will ever have, even when all has been lost or when everyone else has faded away.

Breathe.

You’ve only got this one life to live, so might as well live it to the fullest. Don’t get caught up with endless errands to finish, things to organize, and people to please. Your endless rants will accomplish nothing. Just live. And breathe.

Shattered Dreams

http://www.bethszimmerman.com/2012/03/15/pain-2/

I used to call them shattered dreams.

Contrary to the popular advertisement, impossible is not nothing. Sometimes, restraints, physical or otherwise, truly render some dreams unrealizable. For, how can a child stricken with brain cancer ever fulfill his or her dreams of becoming a doctor and finding a cure for the sickness that has befallen him or her? And how can a person of unsound and unstable mind ever find a profession in the real world without fear of triggers of violent tendencies or the like? So many factors need to be considered when “aiming for the stars” and “reaching your dreams.”

This mindset is not exactly being negative about one’s aspirations in life. In the end, we should not view them as shattered dreams. We just learn to be realistic, and dream dreams that are within one’s reach. It’s not a complete surrender of aiming for the stars. Rather, it is an acceptance of who we are, and of the limitations given us. And in doing so, that’s what will truly make us content and happy.

Continue to dream. No dream is ever shattered if it were impossible to achieve to begin with.

Connection

http://humanconnectionproject.wordpress.com/

It is part of human nature that we all yearn for that connection with another human being. That connection varies in levels.

Some long for that physical connection, and this physicality further varies in degrees. While some may find a warm handshake or a tight hug or a pat on the back physically stimulating, others prefer a more sexual physical compatibility of satisfying their innermost fantasies and lustful pleasures.

Some long for that intellectual connection – that friend you can talk with for hours and hours, or that person whom you rarely see but would be there for you during your most vulnerable moments. Some even prefer that connection with a stranger whom you can tell your deepest darkest secrets, and that stranger is able to tell you as it is, no biases, no judgments. Some view this as a person whom you can discuss your different points of view or theories in life with. Or perhaps someone whom you share the same interests or ideologies with.

Some long for that emotional connection. Someone who understands what you’re going through, perhaps because that other person underwent the same or similar events in his or her life or just because that other person is a ready ear willing and able to listen. Someone whom you could cry with, be angry at, or just be silent with: no words are needed to be said for you to be comfortable and at ease with each other. The fact that the other person is there is enough.

No matter how much a person wishes to be alone at times, deep inside, what every person needs is a connection in whatever form, be it deep or merely superficial, with someone else in his life.

A Gay Lawyer's Brief Take on DOMA and Proposition 8

http://www.forbes.com/sites/deborahljacobs/2013/06/27/after-the-doma-ruling-faqs-about-the-rights-of-same-sex-couples/

Before the DOMA and Proposition 8 ruling of the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS), a good friend once asked me if I thought that same sex marriages would ever be recognized legally here in the Philippines. I had no doubt with my answer, “Not in this lifetime.” Regardless of how Philippine society has already matured and moved on from its conservative roots, the Church still has a strong hold on the laws passed by Congress. My friend then retorted, “Sa bagay, kung ang divorce nga ng legal couples, hindi ma-pass eh, ang same sex marriage pa kaya.” (“It makes sense since if divorce laws for legal couples cannot be passed, what more same sex marriages.”)

I then replied that realistically speaking, if same sex marriages cannot be legalized, what I truly hope for in this country is the passing of laws governing same sex unions. Under the Family Code, property relations between a man and a wife who are “living in” are provided for. Property relations between same sex couples, however, are not, since they are considered void ab initio and can never ripen into validity for being against public morals. At the very least, I hope that laws are passed giving same sex unions some rights as regards property and inheritance if they meet certain standards that would make them pass as “ordinary” couples.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/jun/26/supreme-court-doma-prop-8-rulings

This is the reason why I, together with the entire LGBT community, was elated with the decision of the SCOTUS in United States v. Windsor which struck down a provision in the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) that denies federal benefits to legally married same-sex couples such as Social Security benefits. The decision, penned by Justice Anthony Kennedy, recognized the equal dignity of same sex marriages. The case was filed by Edie Windsor, an 83-year old lesbian who married her partner after living together for more than four decades. Upon the death of her partner, Windsor inherited her partner’s estate but was charged with a huge amount of estate taxes since the then prevailing DOMA did not recognize her as the legal spouse. The victory of Windsor in the SCOTUS signified not only the return of the taxes she had paid, but a victory of the world-wide LGBT community, especially those affected and living in the U.S.

With the Windsor decision, the SCOTUS likewise ruled on the unconstitutionality of Proposition 8 (the State of California’s ban on same-sex marriages) albeit based on a mere technicality. Hollingsworth v. Perry was dismissed on the ground that the defendants did not have legal standing in court. Being mere private individuals who were not defended by public officials, i.e. the attorney-general , the defendants were deemed to have no capacity to sue in support of Proposition 8. The Hollingsworth decision does not have as much impact as the Windsor decision, since the SCOTUS in the former case did not dwell on its substantial issues. However, the result is something the LGBT community can be happy about since it, in effect, reinstated a lower court’s decision which ruled that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional.

http://management.fortune.cnn.com/2013/06/27/gay-marriage-immigration/

The Windsor and Hollingsworth cases may not have a compelling effect in Philippine law. After all, our Civil Code (which includes the laws on family and property relations) was based on Spanish, and not American, laws. The Philippine Supreme Court rarely cites U.S. cases as legal basis for family courts cases; these are more common in commercial cases which involve the Corporation Code or transactional cases. However, given the strong influence which the U.S. has over Philippine culture, I am hopeful that this is the start of a paradigm shift which our country has against the LGBT community which would result in equality among all peoples – be they straight or otherwise.

Last night

Photo courtesy of http://ajtun.com/tag/ann-erpino/

Last night,

I found myself crying in my sleep.

I woke up and realized

that my nightmare was an impending reality:

a wicked truth I have been hiding from

and would eventually have to face.

Sleep was no longer a respite

from the vicious snares of certainty.

I found myself crying

not because of dreadful thoughts

but because of truth

and life itself.

Dear Sixteen-Year-Old Self

Dear Sixteen-Year-Old Self,

By this time, you are fresh out of high school and about to enter uncharted territory. You may feel lost along the way, wondering if you went to the right university or if you picked the right course, but do not fret. Everything will turn out just fine. Besides, that feeling of being lost – it never goes away. It will haunt you until you’re twice your age and will continue to haunt you until you die. Just remember that despite feeling lost, trust your instincts and give everything your all. That’s when you will feel successful in your life.

This will be the first time you will experience freedom – living by yourself, away from parents and able to stay till late outside during weekdays. Do not abuse this freedom. It is extremely tempting, but do not forget your responsibilities as a student. That is the foremost reason you were given that freedom in the first place.

Don’t set your expectations too low. Aim for the stars, if possible. Do not be contented with mediocrity: of just passing each subject, or being able to pull off a presentation with an all-nighter as preparation. You’ll eventually realize that hard work does pay off, if not through lessons learned, through its literal meaning of being paid off in pecuniary form.

Always remember that it’s okay to be gay. Aside from that, it’s also okay to take your time until you’re ready to tell the people closest to you that you are attracted to the same sex. When you’re older and you’ve met the people who will stick by you no matter what, you will find it a lot easier to come out of the closet to them. There are even those who already just know, or have known from the beginning of your friendship, but have accepted you for who you are, and love you just the same.

You may (or will) lose your virginity at that age. And it will be the start of an exciting journey. Learn to exercise good discretion, and while you’re at it, exercise your thigh and leg muscles as well, as these will help you in achieving a good balance in your (secret) sex life. At times, you may feel on top (yes, ironic…) of the world with endless opportunities going your way, but try to limit them and choose only the best. This will only go on for a certain phase, and after that, you will find meaningless sex exactly as it truly is – meaningless.

You will find it necessary to always be on good side of every person you meet. Remember this: you don’t have to please everyone. You don’t have to be friends with every acquaintance or every classmate, because after college, chances are, you’ll never get to meet them again. You’ll eventually realize that in terms of friends, quality is better than quantity; and that even those whom you thought you were close with will eventually drift away from you, and you will be left with only those friends who will stay with you for your lifetime.

I have a lot of other things I want to tell you: Don’t drink and smoke too much. Take your accounting classes seriously. Dress well. Read more. Write often. Take your relationships seriously. Don’t take family for granted. Don’t cheat on tests. Attend varsity practice religiously. Eat more vegetables. Pray. And use sunscreen.

The list would go on forever. But I’ll end by telling you to make the most out of life. Don’t regret anything you’ve done because these form part of what makes you you, and there’s no other way of living life except by being who you truly are.

Love,

Your Thirty-Something Year Old Self

Birthdays

In law school, the method of teaching was graded recitation everyday, the “Socratic method” they called it. The professor would prescribe the required reading material for the day, and the student should be prepared to recite on those readings each day. There were only two instances when you could escape the perils of graded recitation, the first being, if there was an event that day like the last day before Christmas break, or Valentine’s Day or the professor’s birthday, and the class would prepare a party complete with food and program. And second is if it were your birthday that day. You (or your classmates) could proudly declare that it was your birthday and the professor would take it lightly on you during recitation, or even give you a free pass.

There was one particular (brutal) professor though who was the exception to the exception. When he called a classmate for recitation during her birthday, he started giving a bit of trivia on birthdays. I’m not sure if he was just pulling our legs or not, but he said that the ancient Romans, who were good astronomers, believed that that alignment of stars during one’s birthday was such that the birthday celebrant was particularly unlucky during that day. As the day of birth approaches each year, the stars align in an inconvenient manner for the celebrant and that lack of luck reaches its peak during the day itself where untoward incidents are more likely to happen. Having said that, he continued with the graded recitation of my classmate, and said that he was just reinforcing such belief of the Romans.

I seem to be inclined to believe in my professor regarding birthdays. I was never really one to be excited about my own birthday even when I was a kid. I’m not really sure why, but I regarded my birthday just like any other day of the year. It just so happens that every year, our family gathers for lunch or dinner on that particular day. I’m not especially sad as my birthday approaches, but I just don’t get the extraordinariness of it. Plus, I somehow tend to be “out of it” as my birthday approaches. I am not able to function properly with work or school; I tend to be disorganized and forgetful; and I sometimes just get a bit irritated easily.

Maybe this would be a good subject to research on, but for the moment, as my birthday approaches, allow me to be a bit more negative than usual. I will be back to regular programming when the day passes.

The Single Life

My “relationship credentials” look very good on paper. Whenever someone asks me how many previous serious relationships I’ve had, I am quick with my reply. I’ve had two serious relationships: the first one was for almost seven years, and the next was for almost three years. All of the guys who ask (mostly from online) are equally quick with their common response – that I’m good with commitment and I’m definitely a keeper. I beg to differ.

I am not and will never be the sweet and thoughtful type of partner. I think there are just some people who are like that (me, for example). I am not the type who will send a message first. I also made it known right away with my exes that I am not the type to remember anniversaries, even more so monthsaries (and weeksaries!) However, I did make a concession that we can celebrate such occasions provided I am given prior notice. I remember what happened with my first ex whom I once brought to the hospital ER after having an accident at home. I was filling up his patient information form when suddenly, from a state of being fazed and light-headed, he became fully aware of his surroundings upon seeing that I had a different date written on his birth date! (I was just one day away, mind you, and that’s already an achievement.) Of course, I didn’t get away with it, and he was furious the entire drive home.

Also, I am quite ashamed to admit that despite having relationships, I was still sexually active “on the side.” I met up with guys online, and these were the times when I’ve had all kinds of encounters (and I mean all kinds). It felt safe being active at that time – I would immediately tell them that I had a partner and that the meet ups were just for sex. Some of course would deviate from the original agreement and become attached. I, on the other hand, could still be the heartless person that I was (or am).

I broke off my last relationship just at the start of the year. And for the first time in almost a decade, I am officially single. I don’t know what happened , but I had a change in perspective after that relationship. It has become harder for me to meet up with guys for the sole purpose of having sex. I guess it’s partly growing old, and partly getting tired of the whole process of flirting-meeting up-putting best foot forward-ending up in bed-repeat ten times over if pleasurable. I’ve been there, done that (countless numbers of times). I know it’s ironic now that I’m single and can actually and legally engage in the whole no-strings-attached sex. Perhaps it’s also because I no longer feel safe, and I’m scared that the next bedmate may be a potential partner. Or maybe it’s really just a phase every gay guy has to go through. Whatever it is, this whole “single life” I am currently encountering is entirely new to me, and while I am at a loss on how to deal with it, I am enjoying every learning step and I am looking forward to all possibilities that may behold. Whenever meeting up with guys who ask me what I am expecting, I always say that whatever happens, happens.

Stars

The stars lined up that night

One by one

Showing their majestic splendor

Only for me to find out

That the stars have long been dead

Even before they reached my line of sight

And all is gone

Except for the memory of the radiance that once was.

Warning: This is a serious post about Life and Death

Have you ever had that strange peculiar feeling that you’re going to die soon, or at least, die early? No? Yeah, I think it’s just me. I don’t know why but that thought has always been stuck in my head. There’s a saying that, “Ang masamang damo, hindi madaling mamatay.” (“Bad weeds don’t die easily.”) and not to be boastful or vainglorious about it, but I think I’ve lived a pretty decent life always considerate of other people’s needs. In other words, I don’t exactly consider myself a weed, and thus, I feel that I am going to die soon (or early).

At this age, I’ve probably had more than three scares to my life already. Two of them were medically-related, and one was to the point of me already “seeing the light.” I’m currently fine and living a normal life, but those scares only helped me live my life to the fullest: trying hard to achieve my dreams and cross items off my bucket list.

It’s funny that I once met an acquaintance at a party who started engaging me in good conversation. I was delighted with our topics when he said that he approached me because I give off “good energy” towards people. While I don’t exactly believe in that (perhaps for lack of knowledge of “energies” and the like), he said that I may have the gift of healing people without my knowing it. He asked me straight up – “Were you sickly as a child?” “Do you get sick with no known medical reason?” “Do you still pursue whatever you want despite these hindrances?” My answer to all those questions was a resounding yes. I’ve been talking to this guy for less than 15 minutes and he already knew so much about me. And it gave me chills.

I told him I once wrote a previous blog that every time I see kids in the hospital who are terminally ill, I wished I could take all the pain from them. He said that I may have been using my “powers” unknowingly, and offered to help me control them. I may have been hasty with my decision but I graciously declined, and said that I would take whatever is given me. C’est la vie.

I’m not saying I am a saint or anything close to that, but I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. We just have to accept these circumstances as grace.

I’m not saying either that I am ready to die. There are still a lot of things I want to accomplish in this lifetime. What I’m saying is that it’s okay for me to die now and I wouldn’t have any regrets. I’ve lived my life to the fullest extent possible. I’ve shown love to all people who are close to my heart (and even to those who don’t), and I’ve always tried my best to be kind, considerate, and yes, good, and I guess that’s all that matters.

Now Watching: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

 

The Perks of Being a Wallflower, based on a novel written by Stephen Chbosky, is a story of a young 15-year old boy named Charlie (Logan Lerman) dealing with diverse issues including his first love with friend Sam (Emma Watson), fitting in as a freshman in high school, the recent suicide of his best friend, and coping with his own anger issues and mental illness. It is a good story of finding one’s self despite our own struggles and weaknesses. It is a story of acceptance, of finding love and friendship, and of finding our own place – whether as a wallflower or otherwise - in this chaotic world.

Quotable quotes:

Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick the people who treat us like we’re nothing?

Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.

 

Charlie: So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

Charlie: This one moment you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listing to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And this moment, I swear, we are infinite.

Of Old School Poetry

I look at you and I feel much disdain

Why do you hide all the sorrow and pain?

You're never content; nothing's ever enough

When will you realize how much you are loved?

- THA, 02/18/2011

Writing

I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember. I don’t really know who or what influenced me, but way back in elementary, as soon as we were allowed to join a club/organization, I immediately knew which one to join – the school newspaper. I’ve ventured into all kinds - from writing in Filipino (the “lathalain” was my personal fave, i.e. a Filipino feature story), to writing poetry; from attempting to draft screenplays, to writing the more common prose forms.

The problem with me, though, is that I don’t exactly have a firm commitment with my writing - I write whenever I want to, wherever I want to. I write as a form of release of whatever feelings or emotions I have deep down inside me, but I’ve never really kept track of whatever I write. I’ve started blogs, only to delete them after some time. I sometimes find pieces of paper inserted in my books, notebooks or planners, with my scribbled thoughts in the form of literary what-have-you’s.

Today, I tell myself to try to maintain a record of everything I write. I guess it’d also be nice to have a compilation so that in the future, I can have a good trip down memory lane of my previous thoughts and words.  And one more thing – every time I find a loose sheet of something I’ve written previously, it might be good to keep them, or perhaps post some in this blog for archiving purposes.

My So-Called (Gay) Life

I won’t deny it - I’ve been gay for as long as I can remember. During my childhood years, I’ve always been attracted to men – MacGyver, Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf, Neil Patrick Harris in Doogie Howser, and yes, even the New Kids on the Block were on the top of my list. (Yes, I’m old.)

But growing up in a world where being gay is taboo, I went on with the “normal” routine of liking girls and hanging out with the boys. I guess what confused me all the more is that I was not your pre-conceived notion of a gay guy. I was not into dolls, I never thought of cross-dressing, and I most certainly did not have a penchant for Barbra Streisand, Cher or Mariah Carey. In fact, I was into sports (and excelling, at that), and was the kid who was among those picked first in barnyard games. I’ve had my fair share of being teased and bullied perhaps because of my delicate actions, but on the average, I think I grew up as “normal” as I could.

I guess I started gaining my confidence when I went to college. It was a completely different environment and I started gaining the respect of my peers both in personal and work-related matters. It was at this time that I discovered freedom and met more “people like me,” yet still, I hung on to my act of being straight and “normal.” I continued with being a well-rounded individual – a student leader, an athlete and a fair student with no failing marks. This went on until law school where I felt I gained even greater respect especially from colleagues who were achievers in their own right.

Fast forward to today. I’ve actually learned to finally accept myself for who I am. Recently, I came out of the closet to my closest friends and to my family, all of whom are extremely supportive of me. Though we don’t really talk about my being gay often with my family, the fact that they know about me and that nothing has changed makes me feel comfortable and happy. I don’t need my dad to tell me, “You’re gay, but I still love you.” (with matching hug afterwards). Indeed, actions speak louder than words. And from the actions of my family, they’re completely accepting of my sexuality, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I’m still not completely out to the public, though. I guess it would take a bit more time. But having said all that, I think I am ready to tell other close friends about my sexuality if they ask me about it. To hell what other people think. In this lifetime, I’ve established myself to be a good and respected person. I’ve made personal and professional achievements which I can be proud of, and if someone doesn’t agree with my sexuality, then those people shouldn’t really matter to begin with.

I’ve been carrying on in this journey since I was born. We are all born with burdens - mine was living the secret life of being gay. But burdens need not forever hamper your personal growth. Take it one step at a time. Learn to accept what is given to you. In time, you’ll realize that the most important thing in your life is not what other people think about you, but it is how you learn to love yourself for who you are.

Gimme some BJ!

Yes, folks. He’s my ultimate crush. My one true love. The only person whom I told my previous boyfriends that I would leave them for in case he decides to pursue me (even if it’s just in my dreams). Brent Javier - Who could ever resist that pretty face which you could stare at for days, and that gorgeous lean body that screams both hot and sexy, and boyish and innocent at the same time.

I have loads of Brent’s pictures in my laptop but those shown here are my top three including probably his first ever big hit in print at the Cosmo magazine’s issue on the top bachelors, and his latest picture showing a more daring side of him. (Yes, two of his three pictures are practically nude. So I really dig his body?)

Brent Javier. BJ to me. I’ve always loved and will always love some hot BJ action!

All Suited Up

I’ve never been one to be into lawyer books, films or TV series mainly because lawyerly stuff is what I do for a living. When I engage in leisurely activities, I want them to be thoroughly relaxing and completely different from what I do on an everyday basis. At the end of a busy day, I want my books and movies to take me to another world where I can be someone else aside from the regular boring attorney me. (Plus, lawyering is depicted as something so exciting – an exaggeration of sorts – which I just could not take without my blunt side comments.) 

So it took me as a surprise when, after experimenting on watching the first few episodes, I was immediately hooked on Suits. Suits is set in a New York City law firm and features a brilliant corporate lawyer, Harvey Specter (Gabriel Macht), who hires Mike Ross (Patrick J. Adams) as his associate, who is a college dropout but is impressive with his wit and superb memory. What got to me is that the TV series does not go over the top with its method of solving cases. (No eureka moments which I utterly dislike – those things just never happen in the real world.) It likewise shows the emotional and practical side to each and every legal dispute with the most unlikely of characters – Harvey, who is supposedly arrogant and unattached to his clients; and Mike, who is, to begin with, not even a real lawyer.

Though I was not brought to a different world during my leisure time, I was instead brought back to the fondest of memories in my law practice - from way back when I was starting as an associate in a law firm, and some more recent events where I was able to close corporate deals and settlements for the company where I was working.

So in a span of a few days, I was able to finish the first season. It certainly helps that Patrick J. Adams is so cute with his boyish good looks and charm (Plus, that sling bag while he’s wearing a suit – oh, I want to be able to pull that off.) I’ve got the second season ready and waiting for me. I’m all suited up for another round of some legal (and not-so-legal) action!

Kudos, Jason Collins

This week, the world witnessed as the first active NBA player outed himself and proudly proclaimed, “I’m gay.” Jason Collins wrote in Sports Illustrated saying, “I’m a 34-year old NBA center. I’m black and I’m gay.”

Kudos, Jason Collins, for giving gay men like me a glimmer of hope that someday, people like us will truly be treated as normal and as equals in every sense of the word.

The public announcement came as a surprise to most of his colleagues, but was received with positive reactions from more popular basketball players such as Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, Steve Nash and Tony Parker. Even President Obama called Collins “to express his support and said he was impressed by his courage.”

Having been an athlete all my life, I’ve always been very careful not to tread on dangerous waters at the risk of outing myself to my coach and my teammates. Way back when I was in high school and at the university, I was a member of different varsity teams, some of which were contact sports, and I know how the “boys locker room” mentality can get. Luckily, I was never put in a situation where I was looked down on because of my sexuality, but oh, do I know the pressures and tortures endured by openly gay men.

Currently, the profession I am in right now is not exactly accepting of gay men. The legal world is a cut-throat profession, and in order to survive, you have to show strength and firmness, and sadly, yes – masculinity. It is a field which is not exactly for gay men. Or at least not for what society perceives a gay man to be.

But thank you for people like Jason Collins who are bold enough to show the world that gay men are not the typical stereotypes who wear drag and make-up. All gay men are unique in their own ways, with different sets of skill and interests. So, once again, kudos, Jason Collins! I certainly hope you pave the way for other renowned gay men to be brave enough to proclaim their homosexuality so that normal people like me would one day follow suit.

Case of Forcible Deportation

The (not-so) current talk of the town is that three men from the United Arab Emirates (UAE) who were supposed to attend an annual culture festival were banned entry and forcibly deported by religious police in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. It seems that they were banned because of their good looks as the festival officials feared that “the female visitors could fall for them.”

I don’t blame the festival officials. One of the guys rumored to be one of the three men, Emirati poet and actor Omar Borkan Al Gala, is really handsome.

But given all that, I have one thing to say: You can enter my country any time, baby!