That Leap of Faith

It’s probably because of my age and the fact that I’ve been in two long-term relationships that I am now very picky when it comes to settling down and starting a relationship with a guy. In my previous relationships, I barely knew my partner when we got together. Both were whirlwind romances of sorts, such that after a few dates (which led to you-know-where), we decided to take that leap and become committed to each other. While both relationships lasted for years, both ended because of the realization that, while we would still be compatible as friends, we just weren’t compatible as life-long partners. Which brings me to my point – I’d want my next partner to be my last one. I’d like to know him very well before entering into a serious relationship. And, I have come to terms with myself that if that does not happen in this lifetime, then so be it.

This is probably the reason why I now have very high standards in men. A good educational background is a must (which should translate in good communication skills). I’d also prefer someone who is financially stable and can keep up with my lifestyle (that’s but fair, right?). Of course, sexual compatibility is still a requirement, but it’s no longer the priority unlike before.

I’ve dated a number of guys for the past year or so that I became single. Nerdy engineer had passed all my requirements, but we were both so driven in our careers that we no longer had time for each other. Also, while I prefer an introvert like me, he was extremely introverted, which was, sort of a deal breaker for me. We remain good friends until this day. Marketing guy was a chubby but handsome Spanish-looking dude. Our dates were perfect – he had no qualms holding my hand discreetly in public, we were compatible in bed and we were of similar family backgrounds. Until he confessed he was already in a relationship. To be honest, I considered being the legal “mistress,” but eventually decided against it. I have not communicated with him ever since. And then there’s this adorable 19-year old guy. He’s still studying, but is extremely mature for his age. With his solid goals in life, I sometimes think that he is more mature in age than I am. But the thought of the more-than-a-decade age gap has always been at the back of my head, wondering if there is indeed a future for us. We still have good long talks, but not as frequent as before. I made that conscious effort since I am scared to completely fall for him.

I have never been the type to search for Mr. Right. For me, people come and go in our lives, and whoever is meant to stay, will stay. While I know that there are a lot of fish in the sea, and that I would eventually find the right one for me, at times I think that I prefer a big, fat, juicy medium-well steak all by my lonesome and I’d be completely satisfied with it.

Since I Know You Don’t Read My Blog Anyways

I’ve been trying a number of different approaches to writing this blog post in order for it to be not too cheesy and not too serious, but I just couldn’t seem to find the perfect words. So, today, I have resolved to say it the best way I can, and in the manner I am accustomed to – through simple, straightforward words.

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Since I know you don’t read my blog anyways, let me begin by saying that I am grateful that the universe conspired for us to meet each other. We met at a time when we were both not searching for that special someone. Instead, both of us wanted to focus on other aspects of our lives. I know it was all by chance, but I know you feel it too that the connection (or maybe even the spark?) was immediately there.

I love it how we’re both taking things very slowly. After all, it has only been two months since we’ve known each other. Also, we both just got out of relationships. I’m glad that we’re on the same page that this time around, perhaps it’s best to get to know each other really well before entering into anything serious.

I love it that I can easily tell you anything and everything, and you will not judge me for my past or for my beliefs. (You will judge me, though, on my poor grammar; but that’s alright, because I will do the same to you.) I’m glad that you are, first and foremost, my “best friend” (with benefits?) before anything else.  I love it that we can talk about our future together and still keep a level head about these things.

Lastly, I don’t want to say it too often because the words might lose their meaning, but I love you, I really do.

(And if you ever get to read this blog post, I will plead insanity or inebriation at the time of writing.)

Same Love

Thank you, Macklemore, Ryan Lewis and Mary Lambert for this song which goes right through the heart of every gay person who just wishes to be given equal treatment in society.

While the lyrics speak for itself there are two things which I love about the song: first, is the medium in which it was expressed; and second, is the tenor in which the song was written.

I love that it was done in rap/hip hop, simply because the said genre is supposedly one that is purely masculine. And yet, this song deals with a topic which does not exude the typical masculinity which society imposes, but instead encourages equality among all despite one’s sexual orientation and preference.

I also love the tenor or the manner in which it was written – not too emotional, not too mushy; just plain straightforward language which everyone would easily understand. The lyrics likewise deviates from all the drama linked with the stereotypical gay rights movement which is the wrong perception of society.

“And a certificate on paper / Isn’t gonna solve it all / But it’s a damn good place to start.

No laws gonna change us / We have to change us

Whatever God you believe in / We come from the same one

Strip away the fear / Underneath, it’s all the same love”

My Gay Guilty Pleasure

Is not beauty pageants or My Husband’s Lover or the cheer dance competition. If there is one ultimate give-away that I have, it is that I have been an avid fan of America’s Next Top Model (ANTM) for the longest time. I’ve been hooked since its third cycle, and have been following it ever since. It’s kinda weird, since I am neither into fashion (I am the least vain gay guy you’ll ever meet) nor modeling (I honestly don’t know how to tell a “good photo” from a bad one), but I like its reality-TV format and the different personalities of the contestants and the experiences they get from the show. I am more into ANTM this current cycle (20^th) since there are male contestants now, and boy, are they yummy.

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Here’s my favorite guy whom I’ve loved from day one.

Chris H. is not your typical boy-next-door good looking kind of guy, but he exudes so much manliness. And I feel those eyes staring back at me in his every picture, and my heart just melts. He is currently taking so much flak for being anti-social and having a repulsive attitude but I don’t really care.

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While we’re at the subject, here are my Top 5 contestants of all time:

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Ann Markkey (Cycle 3) –  She’s the reason why I got hooked on ANTM. I still consider her as having one of the prettiest faces among all contestants of ANTM.

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Ann Ward (Cycle 15) – This tall, awkward contestant seemed least likely to bag the top prize during her season, but she transforms into a classic beauty each time she was photographed.

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 Marjorie Conrad (Cycle 11) – I remember she lacked self-esteem, but every time she faced the camera, she was always giving it her all. I would never forget this picture of hers where she actually flushed the toilet with her foot during the photo shoot.

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McKey Sullivan (Cycle 11) – McKey had one of the best transformations in ANTM. She was given a pixie cut which showed off her pretty face that eventually made her win during her season. For me, she stands for elegance and beauty.

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Allison Harvard (Cycles 12 & 17) – Allison is my ultimate favorite among all contestants. She’s not the classic beauty but her gaze and quirkiness would make you give her photos a second look. I believe she should have won when she came back for ANTM All-Stars Cycle.

Lost

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Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of lost. I’ve been wandering aimlessly, going about with everyday activities with no clear and definite goal I want to achieve in my life. I have this path that I go through but I’m not sure if it is the right one. I don’t know if I should enter that fork on the road, and gamble with fate and fight against destiny. I wonder if I will ever know if this path is the right one? Does anyone ever know? Does anyone even care to know?

I envy those who have that clear ultimate goal that they want to achieve. They know which path to take, and therefore they are able to map out their lives according to the “grand plan” pretty much in line with destiny. I, on the other hand, am left alone with nowhere to go but forward, simply because there is no other option. Add to that life’s (not-so) little surprises: an ailment here, burned relationships there, grand revelations everywhere.

I thought that a change in perspective would be good for me. I thought that life’s obstacles can be turned into a positive situation where realizations are made and paradigm shifts are started. However, it only leaves you yearning for more knowledge, more information, more answers to the ultimate question of, “Why me?”

I am writing with no coherent thought. Pretty much like my life right now. Do we really need coherence? Do we really need to understand? Or do we just take all the punches thrown our way, and stand up and fight again? Whoever knows, I hope you can tell me.

Breathe

Ironically, the most innate and natural thing that humans learn to do at the moment of birth, is the one thing that they forget to do when they reach adulthood.

http://www.fitness-weetjes.nl/basisregels-fitness/ademhaling-bij-fitness/

Breathe.

We get so caught up in worldly things that we forget to take time out to breathe. Remember, work will still continue even if you are not around. No matter how valuable you are to your company, no one is ever indispensable in work, even the big bosses.

Breathe.

Don’t take good health for granted. When you grow old, you may have all the resources in the world, but if you are weak and sickly, you will not have the luxury of enjoying all these. Don’t ever forget that check-up you promised yourself “when you have the time.”

Breathe.

Take time to smell the flowers. Enjoy the scenery. Travel. And spend time with your family. In the end, they are the most precious treasures one will ever have, even when all has been lost or when everyone else has faded away.

Breathe.

You’ve only got this one life to live, so might as well live it to the fullest. Don’t get caught up with endless errands to finish, things to organize, and people to please. Your endless rants will accomplish nothing. Just live. And breathe.

Shattered Dreams

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I used to call them shattered dreams.

Contrary to the popular advertisement, impossible is not nothing. Sometimes, restraints, physical or otherwise, truly render some dreams unrealizable. For, how can a child stricken with brain cancer ever fulfill his or her dreams of becoming a doctor and finding a cure for the sickness that has befallen him or her? And how can a person of unsound and unstable mind ever find a profession in the real world without fear of triggers of violent tendencies or the like? So many factors need to be considered when “aiming for the stars” and “reaching your dreams.”

This mindset is not exactly being negative about one’s aspirations in life. In the end, we should not view them as shattered dreams. We just learn to be realistic, and dream dreams that are within one’s reach. It’s not a complete surrender of aiming for the stars. Rather, it is an acceptance of who we are, and of the limitations given us. And in doing so, that’s what will truly make us content and happy.

Continue to dream. No dream is ever shattered if it were impossible to achieve to begin with.